Tycho Talk

How interesting that as I was searching for the proper tag for what I want to do here (the blockquote one) that I last used it in a post about blame.

I have discovered that, like probably a whole lot of other people, I am absolutely terrified of being blamed. This probably is a result of what I'm realizing is growing up in an environment where change was mostly motivated by using shame... if something is going sideways, I want to for the LOVE OF GOD make sure it's not my fault. If you want to tell me some bad news, up to and including direct criticism, you can make it go down a lot easier with me if you make certain I know that you're not blaming me; another less grown-up way of looking at is just make sure I know it's not my fault; unless it is my fault, in which case make sure I know you're not angry with me; unless you are, in which case make sure I know you still love me.

Anyway, on to the article that started me thinking about this.

Okay, I have to say some stuff about Trump voter schadenfreude:
A little bit of it is cathartic. But in general I'm actually really worried that it's going way too far and eroding our empathy.
Here's how it happens:
1 - Horrible things are coming, and we feel helpless to stop them.
2 - When we feel helpless, we want to take out those feelings
3 - To cope, we look at our neighbors (whose actions helped cause them) and who will also be suffering / often be suffering first, and feel smug about it, because at least that's somethign. We start going, "welp shit, we're all fucked, but at least you're fucked too haha."
The thing is that there is an increasingly fine line between the justice-satisfaction of, "Well, they are finally seeing some consequences" and the coping-contempt of celebrating someone else's suffering.
And I see an increasing fraction of my progressive world moving toward the latter, this is what I have to say:
YOU NEED TO REALIZE THAT THIS EXACTLY FEELING IS WHERE "LIBERAL TEARS" COMES FROM.
On average, rural and low-income Trump voters have felt helpless, disenfranchised, and facing inevitable doom for much longer. Living in areas long economically abandoned, they have been staring down the barrel of an ever shittier future.
Someone told them it was progressives' and immigrants' and queer people and pro-diversity people's fault. That part is false.
But faced with this SAME feeling of helplessness we're confronting now, THEY all got sucked deep into the rabbit hole of "Well, nothing is going to make anything better, but at least screw the libs".
And that is way, way, way too close to what we're all saying now. Nobody can make it better anymore, so at least screw the conservatives.
THIS IS HOW SOCIETAL FABRIC DIES.
We are just the SECOND wave being hit by the same playbook.
We cannot control what politicians do. But we CAN control what each of us do. And WE HAVE TO hold the line that we want a generative world with less suffering for everyone regardless of who they are.
Now, I'm NOT saying that we should spend active empathy on conservatives when vulnerable people being targeted by them need it 100x more.
What I'm saying is that when they go low, we should also go kind of low, but there is a floor past which we must not cross. And that floor is taking emotional solace in another person's suffering.
---
And here's another take: I think it is very, very, very dangerous (and morally wrong) for us to believe that progressives somehow have a fundamentally different psychological constitution than conservatives and that we cannot fall for the same misinformation and emotional manipulation they can.
First, because it keeps us from recognizing the ways (like the above) in which it is happening right now.
Second because an important skill in surviving fascism is understanding our limitations. Almost anyone's values can be changed, converted, brainwashed, scammed-- with the right incentives and messages and people and time. We cannot plan to make a long-term stand for what we believe in if we don't understand the thousand ways that the coming world CAN erode it.
Third, because it's dehumanizing. Yes, it's upsetting that millions of people voted for Trump, but there is NOTHING that millions of humans do that doesn't have its own good reason in there. To believe in the strict inferiority of any group that large is imperialism.
Fourth, because it's hubris. We often underestimate how much they have been hit by propaganda harder and longer than we have.
And again, here, I don't mean that we should spend limited resources to include those who have broken the social contract of inclusion themselves. I just mean that any answer to the question, "Why?" that is not rooted in curiosity and empathy is not a true answer.
---
There is a saying when dealing with abusive people that I really wish was more popular. It's, when you know someone is being abusive to you, don't JADE.
JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.
In other words, when someone is being toxic and abusive to you, don't SPEND your own effort trying to change THEIR mind.
Instead, recognize that your own swirling about the injustice and hypocrisy is actually part of the POINT of the abuse and the very distraction that makes it possible. Just step out of the swirl altogether, realize you're never going to be on the same page, and move on with guarding your own wellbeing.
Trump voter schadenfreude is an indirect form of JADE.
It's us saying, "Fuuuuuuckkk will they EVER UNDERSTAND?!!!!! what they did to all of us??!" and somehow hoping that, if not the actual conservative themselves, then at least some hidden objective narrator/audience of the story, sees and validates what we've been saying all along.
It's a reaction that comes from being gaslit, ignored, misinterpreted, and otherwise abused for so long; that we can't have nice things anymore, but we can at least feel like we were right.
But validation is not coming, and the Trump voters will never understand the story in our way, and there is no third party narrator.
The only narrators are us.
The story is the story we are telling today.
We are the people who will save ourselves.
And that means that the people who save us will be the people we are choosing to be.
----
Edit: Because this post is going around more than I expected, I want to make an important clarification:
I'm not saying 'we should give conservatives our empathy because all humans deserve to receive empathy'-- I'm saying we should not let the cruelty of others goad us into cultivating bile in our own hearts.
In addition to withholding our positive energy, we should also keep them from sucking in our negative energy. The only real way to leave abusers is to emotionally disconnect from the swirl altogether and live well; to not let their actions shape the language of our emotions and instead live the inner emotional palette that's true to us. ---from FB username J Li

[now for how I processed this in the moment, and made it more palatable for a wider audience]

Look, I get it. I GET it. Fuck those voters who put us here... but. Just like the OP says: "Now, I'm NOT saying that we should spend active empathy on conservatives when vulnerable people being targeted by them need it 100x more." BUT the flip side of that coin is don't spend active antipathy on broke-ass people who are guilty of succumbing to propaganda, which could happen TO ANY OF US. If you must cultivate your ire to survive, don't spend that precious resource on anyone making less than a million a year.

I know I'm very tempted to find someone, anyone, to blame for The Horrors. For me, finding blame is something I scramble to do when I'm feeling ungrounded and out-of-control, and I'm looking for anything to grab onto to help me feel more in control. It's kind of a first-response reaction that is more about my feelings than any facts. And while the feelings get to speak all they want, letting my feelings drive the car has gotten me into trouble a lot in my life. I want to have someone to feel mad at. I need to figure out whose fault it is, so I can feel reassured that I didn't somehow bring this on myself. It's all about me, so it's important to me- but it's not a relevant, reasonable solution to the problem here.

"What I'm saying is that when they go low, we should also go kind of low, but there is a floor past which we must not cross. And that floor is taking emotional solace in another person's suffering." Understanding that my feeeeeeling is that I'd dearly love go back in time and kick Ronald Reagan in the nuts hard enough to launch him into orbit, I only want to have enough ire in me to save for a few key figures. To run this marathon, I need to save my soul/heart/emotional landscape/whateveryouwanttocallit from the bitter acid that holding active anger for several million people would do to me. 99% of those assholes are for all intents and purposes in the same boat as I am. I need to focus what little energy I can on those big targets.

I was among a group of people who were talking about relationship dynamics. One person said that when someone says "I love you" to him, he replies "Thank you" most times. His reason is because he doesn't want to reflexively say "I love you", which would dilute it and cause it to become less meaningful.

I mean, I understand the sentiment. And "thank you" is better than "I know", I guess, but there's a better solution- don't say "I love you" reflexively. Even if the reason you're saying it is because someone just said it to you, say it back mindfully and intentionally. It's not that hard.

I used to be down on rituals that were the same over multiple iterations- the most obvious example being the Catholic Mass, and on a smaller scale, saying the rosary. You can see people rushing through the words, memorized years or decades ago, and the memorization allowing them to plow through the text without thinking, their minds a million miles away.

It almost encourages inattentive, mindless, rote recital. Why would anyone want to make that a part of their spiritual path? I didn't get it until I went to a BOTA Vibratory Attunement. It involves singing and repeating phrases from a script; there were a couple of other BOTA rituals I attended that involve memorizing a script. When I experienced a group of people reciting the same words with clear, focused intent, then I finally got it. Memorizing the words allows your 'reading' brain to get out of the way. But what your brain does in lieu of that is where things can go in the direction of unthinking recitation, or of powerful intent. Not focusing on reading words off a page gives you more room to imbue the words with concentration, visualization, and infuse what is coming out of your mouth with your full, undivided, focused attention. The thought that others have said these same words and may in fact be saying them at the same time as you are lends even more juice to the ritual. Then the task (whatever that happens to be) becomes increasingly more powerful with each additional voice.

That last bit doesn't really apply to "I love you". But the rest does. When someone tells me "I love you", rather than just snap back an automatic reply, I like to take a breath, look in their eyes if it's not awkward, and really feel what they are saying to me. Then I want to honor the gift I've just been given, and the best way to do that is to repeat that powerful spell right back to them. It takes emotional energy, but having it said to me has given me emotional energy so I have it to spare. How much more powerful and meaningful to do this rather than to dispense a thoughtless reaction, though they might sound the same if you're not really paying attention. And how much more meaningful to return the gift rather than collect it with "thank you" or a similar sentiment that denotes observation but not exchange.

And besides, one of the most important lessons my mom tried to teach me was to always tell people you love them, even when it's scary or difficult. You never know what will come of it, or if it's your last chance to tell them. I don't want to be on my deathbed and think that I wished I'd told people that I loved them more often. Even if I've already told you before- change is constant. The person saying it now is not the same person who said it to you before, nor is the person it's being it's being said to. You never step into the same river twice.

*deep breath* I love you.

Excerpted from PRONOIA IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR PARANOIA
available at Amazon: bit.ly/Pronoia
or Powells: bit.ly/PronoiaPowells

LET'S EXPOSE THE OBVIOUS MIRACLES, Part 3
Here's an excerpt:

Have you ever been loved? I bet you have been loved so much and so deeply that you have become nonchalant about the enormity of the grace it confers.

So let me remind you: To be loved is a privilege and prize equivalent to being born. If you're smart, you pause regularly to bask in the astonishing knowledge that there are many people out there who care for you and want you to thrive and hold you in their thoughts with fondness.

Animals, too: You have been the recipient of their boundless affection. The spirits of allies who've left this world continue to send their tender regards, as well. Do you "believe" in angels and other divine beings? Whether or not you do, I can assure you that there are hordes of them beaming their uncanny consecrations your way. You are awash in torrents of love.

As tremendous a gift it is to get love, giving love is an equal boon. Many scientific studies demonstrate that whenever you bestow blessings on other people, you bless yourself. Expressing practical compassion not only strengthens your immune system and bolsters your health, but also promotes self-esteem, enhances longevity, and stimulates tranquility and even euphoria.

As the scientists say, we humans are hardwired to benefit from altruism. (To read more about the subject, go here.)

What's your position on making love? Do you regard it as one of the nicer fringe benefits of being alive? Or are you more inclined to see it as a central proof of the primal magnanimity of the universe? I'm more aligned with the latter view.

Imagine yourself in the fluidic blaze of that intimate spectacle right now. Savor the fantasy of entwining bodies and hearts and minds with an appealing partner who has the power to enchant you.

What better way do you know of to dwell in sacred space while immersed in your body's delight? To commune with the Divine Wow while having fun? To tap into your own deeper knowing while at the same time gazing into the mysterious light of a fellow creature?

I woke up around 5-6am, sweating and freezing. Feverish- check- another day home. Not that I was really stoked about going to work, but I don't have infinite leave and it probably doesn't look good. Well, infecting my co-workers isn't a nice thing to do, either. I'm starting to go a little stir-crazy though.

Man, it has been a hell of a couple of years. My social landscape has changed so much I hardly recognize it. People I always thought would be by my side have disappeared, and people who were barely on my radar or who I was sure would fade away into the distance are becoming my closest friends. I am very glad of the guys on the ascent, but being human, I wish I could have them and the guys who're on the way out too. What can I say, I'm greedy and I want everyone to like me.

Well, that's not accurate. I've walked away from relationships where I've felt like there's nothing more there... and cut off other relationships when I thought that there was something poisonous that wasn't worth the energy to try to fix. It just seems like where usually something like that happens every, I dunno, couple of years that it's been really dramatic the last year or so. There has been so much change in a short period of time. What will this look like when it settles out? I don't even want to try to predict it.

Check out this quote- I found it on a porn blog, of all places:

Sometimes, while riding the subway I try to look at each person and imagine what they look like to someone who is in love with them. I think everyone has had someone look at them that way, whether it is a lover, or a parent, or a friend, whether they know it or not. It’s a wonderful thing, to look at someone to whom I would never be attracted and think about what looking at him or her would feel like to someone who is devouring every part of his or her image, who has invisible strings that connect to every part of his or her body. I think this is a fun way of cultivating compassion. It feels good to think about people that way and to use a part of my mind that is traditionally reserved for a tiny portion of people I’ll meet in my life to appreciate the general public. I wish i could think about people like this more often. I think it’s the opposite of what our culture teaches us to do. – —Dean Spade, from For Lovers and Fighters

I don't know why it's this way, but I have had occasion to have some variation of this discussion with several different people this week. And one of the reasons why I can speak these words is because it's the same discussion that I've been on the other side of with other people, and with my gods, on more than one occasion. Maybe you need to hear this now. If so, hear it in whatever voice you need to hear it in.

I love you. You think that someday, you're going to slip up, and I will discover what a worthless, terrible person you really are, and I will leave. But I'm here, and I'm telling you- I don't love you because of what you say, or do, or look like, or accomplish, I love you because of who you are. I believe that you are a good person. I believe that you are worth giving my love to. You might fuck up and make me angry or hurt me, but I am upset at what you do, not who you are. You are a wonderful, amazing, incredible person, worthy of love and capable of love. Know that, and let that fact sink into your bones, so that the next time you think "I suck" maybe you will hear another voice that says "I love. I fuck up, but that's okay, because at the root of it all, I'm trying to express that love. I'll keep feeding the things that make it easy for me to show my true nature as a loving person, and quit feeding the things that build up the illusion that I am anything else."

And because it's always about a song with me, here's a song. Substitute your own, PRN, but recognize the sentiment, own it, breathe it, know it.( Read more... )

Awwwwwww! Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!


Stop this at 1:19, because there's a pointless message after. ( Read more... )

(I just got this in the mail.)

Feel your emotions

"The key is to not resist or rebel against emotions or to try to get around them by devising all sorts of tricks; but to accept them directly, as they are." -- Takahisa Kora

Emotions are energy in motion. They bring us information if we are willing to experience them. Unfortunately, many of us are afraid of the energy of emotions and so we automatically resist them. And when we refuse to experience our emotions, we block them up. They become trapped and that entrapment drains our energy and brings continuing discomfort.

Don't let emotions push you into action or reaction. Just STOP and PAY ATTENTION. Allow them to be and to speak to you. Once they are acknowledged, their energy is released.

"Instead of resisting any emotion, the best way to dispel it is to enter it fully, embrace it and see through your resistance." -- Deepak Chopra

"We have to become more conscious of our feeling-world. By learning to identify the ‘emotional baggage’ and manage our feeling-world reactions, we can view life based on current information instead of being held captive by our past." -- Doc Childre

"Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge." -- Audre Lorde

Eric took some pics at Amanda and Mike's wedding, and even though he was grumbly about the lighting and such I thought they turned out well. My favorite's probably the black and white one. I love weddings.

Amanda and Mike get hitched (cleek for larger versions)

“Please remember, it is what you are that heals, not what you know.” Carl Jung is credited with this quote – this is very difficult for me personally to remember, being the “knowledge hound” that I am. I struggle with it still daily. Even when I understand this enough to open my heart like a sponge to the day, someone I love comes along in pain and I start dumping my pockets, looking for the one thing I "know" that will help them. But time and time again, the only thing they want is for me to open my heart like a sponge to them. They only want to be held and heard.

This is so easy to see in other forms of nature. Stars hold the dark by being light. Rivers keep the Earth alive by being wet. Wind clears our heads of clouds. THESE are the teachers that open the heart, the things that wait in our nature for us to bring them alive. These are the things that heal ourselves and each other.

When my pockets are empty and I’ve dumped all I know, I often end up shrugging, admitting my ignorance of what to do. Humbly, it is then that the real work of love begins...

A meditation to consider:

• Once, during the day, think of who you are as living energy and not as a goal to be achieved or an obstacle to be overcome. Feel yourself without inventory - as the Light we all are.

You know, it's been said many times, many ways...

If you love people, tell them. If they love you, thank them. Even if they don't love you in the exact way that you want or need. Because they still love you, and there may come a time when you will regret sweating the small stuff, and then they are gone and you can never tell them that you appreciated them being in your life.

I think Mom knew that I loved her, but I had been withdrawing from her and was frustrated with her failing memory and abilities. And whatever mystical stuff I otherwise believe, I don't get to tell her to her face anymore that I love her, and apologize for the fact that I realize that she was always there for me and I took her for granted. I feel like an asshole that my last post about her before all this happened was bitching about her memory and her smoking. It's so rare to have a person who is so there for you as she was- even a parent. Hearing Diane talk about her dad, Mom's first husband, who is a raging asshole, helps me to see that. I see it in my job too, of course, but it hits closer to home when it's people you know. Mom had her faults, and she made me uncomfortable, but now that she is gone I feel like a great pool of love that I had access to is missing, and I just hope she somehow knows I realize that, and that I love her. I wish I'd loved her better when she was here.

So yeah, people may not love you the way you want, but don't forget to keep the perspective that being loved imperfectly in most cases still trumps not being loved.