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Friday I went to visit Mom. She lives about 2 hours east of here, and I was supposed to go last week but I flaked. She wanted to take me to this nice restaurant that she had discovered.
The drive was strange... it's been a long time since I sat in a car completely alone for more than a few minutes. The peace felt sort of awkward at first, but I got into the swing of it and enjoyed it. I realized that I've spent a lot of time stuffing my senses with information- TV or computer, and don't make much sit and think time for myself. I wonder how much this has affected who I am from, say, 7 years ago when I lived alone and before I had a computer.
I arrived, and we went out. I have a prickly relationship with Mom- she has living by herself for the last 10 years after being married to my dad for over 25 years (and in a very abusive marriage before that, although I don't know many details about it). She is one of those people that needs to nurture, and when she couldn't focus so much on Dad after the divorce she focused on my brother and I. It got so uncomfortable after awhile that I couldn't stand to be around her. It was like whenever I was around, I felt like she was constantly staring at me, trying to do everything within her power to make sure I was happy. Because if I was happy, it meant she had done a good job of raising me and therefore she was happy. It was like being under a microscope. When she talks about that period, she says that we 'almost came to blows' but it was more like I almost moved and left no forwarding address. Telling her how I felt was really difficult, and she didn't take it well.
I've since lightened up some and learned to ignore it, and she's eased up too. I try not to get into the headspace where since I'm married I think everyone should be married, but I really wish she would find someone, someone she could take care of and that would keep her company too. But she told me that she would never risk herself again, and was just too used to being alone. I still feel like she has a little too much invested in my brother and I, and my father for that matter- she insists they are friends, but it doesn't seem very healthy. But it's not really any of my business, and I just try not to talk about Dad to her because it makes me uncomfortable, and I've owned that.
But the food was decent, and we talked about work and beliefs and politics and stuff, and I had a good time. I realized that it was 5 o'clock and I had to get on the road, but overall it was a pleasant visit.
The drive was strange... it's been a long time since I sat in a car completely alone for more than a few minutes. The peace felt sort of awkward at first, but I got into the swing of it and enjoyed it. I realized that I've spent a lot of time stuffing my senses with information- TV or computer, and don't make much sit and think time for myself. I wonder how much this has affected who I am from, say, 7 years ago when I lived alone and before I had a computer.
I arrived, and we went out. I have a prickly relationship with Mom- she has living by herself for the last 10 years after being married to my dad for over 25 years (and in a very abusive marriage before that, although I don't know many details about it). She is one of those people that needs to nurture, and when she couldn't focus so much on Dad after the divorce she focused on my brother and I. It got so uncomfortable after awhile that I couldn't stand to be around her. It was like whenever I was around, I felt like she was constantly staring at me, trying to do everything within her power to make sure I was happy. Because if I was happy, it meant she had done a good job of raising me and therefore she was happy. It was like being under a microscope. When she talks about that period, she says that we 'almost came to blows' but it was more like I almost moved and left no forwarding address. Telling her how I felt was really difficult, and she didn't take it well.
I've since lightened up some and learned to ignore it, and she's eased up too. I try not to get into the headspace where since I'm married I think everyone should be married, but I really wish she would find someone, someone she could take care of and that would keep her company too. But she told me that she would never risk herself again, and was just too used to being alone. I still feel like she has a little too much invested in my brother and I, and my father for that matter- she insists they are friends, but it doesn't seem very healthy. But it's not really any of my business, and I just try not to talk about Dad to her because it makes me uncomfortable, and I've owned that.
But the food was decent, and we talked about work and beliefs and politics and stuff, and I had a good time. I realized that it was 5 o'clock and I had to get on the road, but overall it was a pleasant visit.
