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So, I went to a funeral Wednesday. It was my first; my grandparents died out of state during the school year and I didn't go; perhaps Mom and Dad knew how much I hated disruption to my routine when I was a kid. They also seem to still be in rebellion of their very religious parents, and may have thought I was a teen and what teen would want to go to a funeral? I didn't go to my first wedding until I was out of the house either. And Ive been very fortunate not to have anyone really close to me die since then. So I'd made it to 37 without having been to a funeral.
So, Sheena's mother died. It was not totally unexpected; she'd been fighting cancer, but I was still surprised by the news. I went over to her place as soon as I heard; I offered what comfort I could but it didn't seem like a lot because I have so little experience with what she's going through. Before I left I think I asked her if she wanted me at the funeral- her mom was pretty religious and I thought it might be weird for her to have her high priestess there, and I didn't want to make it any harder on her than it was anyway- but she said she'd be happy if I came. Arrangements were made and the service was announced. I called Gordon and asked how a typical funeral went; I didn't want to rely solely on what I had seen on television. He was helpful, and he was able to attend the viewing as well.
So I dressed myself somberly (Gordon did say that yes, tie-dye would not be appropriate) and drove to the funeral home. A lot of people were milling around in a foyer kind of area where a guestbook was and an easel with a picture collage was set up. I gave Sheena a hug and said hi to her sister. As I went to check out the pictures, I noticed the casket was set up and propped open nearby. Having so little experience with death (and no small fear of it) I got a very strong urge to go over there and look, in a sense that it was something that would be scary but good for me.
I went over and looked down. I had a moment of serious 'unreality' while my brain wrapped around what I saw. There was a person- this was so very obviously a person, but the person was perfectly still like a mannequin. You'd think "well, maybe she's asleep" but I didn't think that at all. It wasn't just the lack of movement; there was something else that I can't describe that was not there. There was a brief moment where my brain just couldn't understand what it was experiencing, and it's like when something gets into your computer and everything else stops while it chews on this particular problem. I didn't see or hear anything else for a few seconds while I processed what I was seeing. Then the rest of the world slowly faded back in and my brain thought- "oh, so that's what this is." She didn't look peaceful or serene or anything- what was there was so obviously not her at all.
Soon after that we all filed in for the service. It was held by Archbishop Tom, a person Sheena's spoken very highly of in the past. He had a warm charisma about him and was not all gloom and doom. He did pitch the sermon very specifically towards Christians, saying if they truly believed they would not be sad for Sheena's mom because she was in heaven (though he did allow that they can feel bad for themselves because she's not here anymore). He said that here (Earth) was where she learned to crawl, to walk and to run... I was sure he was going to say "and now she's learning to fly" but he went on to say she learned to love here. It was a nice service in spite of the Christian bent, and I was crying quietly throughout the whole thing. They played 3 hymns, and Sheena spoke a little bit about the great person her mom was. The most gut-wrenching, heartbreaking part of all was seeing Sheena's father wracked with sobs. Theirs was a marriage that was obviously still full of love, and I could see myself weeping like that when Eric goes, or him when I go. It's very hard to think about that.
Anyway, Archbishop Tom sprinkled water on the by then closed casket with some kind of holy railroad spike (I had been wondering what that was for) and the pallbearers took her to the car. I got in my car and got in line to go to the graveside service and waited in line. It was just a drive around what seemed like a nice park and then a short walk to the pavilion. This service was much more 'out of the book' and involved more sprinkling. It was over in 10 minutes and we were finished. There was going to be a reception of sorts at the church, but I had no idea where this church was and asked Sheena if she wanted me along. She said it honestly didn't matter at that point, and so I headed off after giving her a hug.
It's given me a lot to think about. On the practical side, what do I want done with my carcass after I die? Sheena's mentioned some dollar amounts, and for a supposed no-frills funeral, it was really pretty high. I wonder how much of that was getting the body ready and the coffin- I'm leaning more towards cremation. I want a service of some sort, but I have no idea what it would be like since I have so little experience with it. Hub's strong suit is not organization so I think I'll need to make some kind of arrangements if I can on my own- maybe I will call around. I still toy with the idea of being smashed into a diamond but that is a little weird and, more importantly, hella expensive. What music would I like? Do I want it to be solemn and sad, or do I want it to be joyous? I don't want to focus on the negative but at the same time, we're talking about me being dead, and people need to grieve. I hear of talk of wakes and people being cheerful and drunk, but I wonder if I could do that when what I might really want is to feel sorry for myself and weep a lot. Who knows. I don't, now anyway. I'll be thinking about it a lot in the future. Besides me, there's also my parents, my brother, my husband, who could all go before me. It's scary to think about.
So, Sheena's mother died. It was not totally unexpected; she'd been fighting cancer, but I was still surprised by the news. I went over to her place as soon as I heard; I offered what comfort I could but it didn't seem like a lot because I have so little experience with what she's going through. Before I left I think I asked her if she wanted me at the funeral- her mom was pretty religious and I thought it might be weird for her to have her high priestess there, and I didn't want to make it any harder on her than it was anyway- but she said she'd be happy if I came. Arrangements were made and the service was announced. I called Gordon and asked how a typical funeral went; I didn't want to rely solely on what I had seen on television. He was helpful, and he was able to attend the viewing as well.
So I dressed myself somberly (Gordon did say that yes, tie-dye would not be appropriate) and drove to the funeral home. A lot of people were milling around in a foyer kind of area where a guestbook was and an easel with a picture collage was set up. I gave Sheena a hug and said hi to her sister. As I went to check out the pictures, I noticed the casket was set up and propped open nearby. Having so little experience with death (and no small fear of it) I got a very strong urge to go over there and look, in a sense that it was something that would be scary but good for me.
I went over and looked down. I had a moment of serious 'unreality' while my brain wrapped around what I saw. There was a person- this was so very obviously a person, but the person was perfectly still like a mannequin. You'd think "well, maybe she's asleep" but I didn't think that at all. It wasn't just the lack of movement; there was something else that I can't describe that was not there. There was a brief moment where my brain just couldn't understand what it was experiencing, and it's like when something gets into your computer and everything else stops while it chews on this particular problem. I didn't see or hear anything else for a few seconds while I processed what I was seeing. Then the rest of the world slowly faded back in and my brain thought- "oh, so that's what this is." She didn't look peaceful or serene or anything- what was there was so obviously not her at all.
Soon after that we all filed in for the service. It was held by Archbishop Tom, a person Sheena's spoken very highly of in the past. He had a warm charisma about him and was not all gloom and doom. He did pitch the sermon very specifically towards Christians, saying if they truly believed they would not be sad for Sheena's mom because she was in heaven (though he did allow that they can feel bad for themselves because she's not here anymore). He said that here (Earth) was where she learned to crawl, to walk and to run... I was sure he was going to say "and now she's learning to fly" but he went on to say she learned to love here. It was a nice service in spite of the Christian bent, and I was crying quietly throughout the whole thing. They played 3 hymns, and Sheena spoke a little bit about the great person her mom was. The most gut-wrenching, heartbreaking part of all was seeing Sheena's father wracked with sobs. Theirs was a marriage that was obviously still full of love, and I could see myself weeping like that when Eric goes, or him when I go. It's very hard to think about that.
Anyway, Archbishop Tom sprinkled water on the by then closed casket with some kind of holy railroad spike (I had been wondering what that was for) and the pallbearers took her to the car. I got in my car and got in line to go to the graveside service and waited in line. It was just a drive around what seemed like a nice park and then a short walk to the pavilion. This service was much more 'out of the book' and involved more sprinkling. It was over in 10 minutes and we were finished. There was going to be a reception of sorts at the church, but I had no idea where this church was and asked Sheena if she wanted me along. She said it honestly didn't matter at that point, and so I headed off after giving her a hug.
It's given me a lot to think about. On the practical side, what do I want done with my carcass after I die? Sheena's mentioned some dollar amounts, and for a supposed no-frills funeral, it was really pretty high. I wonder how much of that was getting the body ready and the coffin- I'm leaning more towards cremation. I want a service of some sort, but I have no idea what it would be like since I have so little experience with it. Hub's strong suit is not organization so I think I'll need to make some kind of arrangements if I can on my own- maybe I will call around. I still toy with the idea of being smashed into a diamond but that is a little weird and, more importantly, hella expensive. What music would I like? Do I want it to be solemn and sad, or do I want it to be joyous? I don't want to focus on the negative but at the same time, we're talking about me being dead, and people need to grieve. I hear of talk of wakes and people being cheerful and drunk, but I wonder if I could do that when what I might really want is to feel sorry for myself and weep a lot. Who knows. I don't, now anyway. I'll be thinking about it a lot in the future. Besides me, there's also my parents, my brother, my husband, who could all go before me. It's scary to think about.
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no subject
Date: Dec. 18th, 2004 11:42 am (UTC)From:There's a book out in the pagan community, can't remember the name, on the legalities and how-to's of preparing a body for burial. It does not have to be done by a funeral home, nor do you have to buy a plot in a cemetary, though getting around these rules can be tricky if you don't know how to get around them.
Me, I definitely want goofy funeral. I mean, hell, I definitely don't want a pat service...what's the use? I say I save up $5K, let them get a place for the weekend with places to crash, booze and condoms, and spend the weekend bringing up all the funny/stupid/heartwarming shit I did while getting hammered and doing that natural thing of shagging to celebrated the fact that they're still living. That way the stories get told, shared, passed on, and I keep going in my own way, and I left them with a smile or two. Who could ask for more?
The idea of my partner wearing my bod with him forever and ever = eww. I'd much rather be planted in a flower garden - let something living get some use out of all these nutrients. If that just flat cannot be arranged for some reason, twang me into a tree and then cremate the body. I'm not opposed to being eaten by animals either - again, the whole get some use out of this thing. But no embalming.
no subject
Date: Dec. 21st, 2004 06:40 am (UTC)From:The thing is, she's not in there. It might as well be a piece of wood.
Having read _The American Way of Death_ , I am SO not about embalming. I totally want a green burial if at all possible. Embalming and entombing seems highly unnatural to me and out of order.
I'm glad the funeral was an eye-opening experience for you.
Sheena
no subject
Date: Dec. 21st, 2004 07:57 am (UTC)From:His speech actually pissed off my sister quite a bit. She wanted him to focus more on mom and her life than religion etc.
Still, I understood his message that while it is okay to grieve for OUR loss that we should rejoice for mom as she is in a happy place now.