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Okay, you get a peek into my sense of humor; from Brunching Shuttlecock's book of ratings, my favorites. Oh, I'm doing this on my break. Yeah.
Elements
Radon
I admit to a soft spot in my heart for the noble gases. It takes a lot of character to be able to avoid the temptation to give up an electron or two to oxygen or similarly alluring elements. It's all I can do to not buy a fruit pie every time I stop for gas. Radon is interesting because it's both noble and deadly, like Vlad the Impaler. And, unlike the other noble gases, Radon has its own month: January is National Radon Action Month! BIFF! POW! DECAY INTO POLONIUM-218! A-
Titanium
I'm not clear on the metallurgic properties of titanium. I'm not sure why they make golf clubs and bicycle frames out of it, but I believe in titanium, because it has a kick-ass name. It sound like the perfect metal for the giant rocket-shooting robots, galaxy-spanning spaceships, and technologically advanced pleasure toys of the future. In fact, if titanium doesn't work out for these purposes, I propose we take the name "titanium" for whatever substance is used in those things and rename titanium "golfclubium" or something. B+
Christmas Tree Decorations
Colorful Ball
Most people would probably see the delicacy of the Generic Colorful Ornament Ball as a drawback, but for me it has become a source of nostalgia. For whatever reason, I remember childhood Christmases mostly for their clutter: tinsel strips, opened envelopes, empty cans of stewed pumpkin, and tiny shards of shattered Generic Colorful Ornament. Plus, they allow any jerk with a copy of Microsoft Paint to make a Christmas tree drawing. Green triangle, yellow star, buncha multicolored circles. Or just red circles, if you're really lazy. A-
Construction Paper Rings
These, I'm certain, are only popular because they contribute to the self-esteem of kindergarteners. You don't see construction paper ring garlands for sale anywhere. They either come from school or some grotty rainy-day crafts book. So you throw them on the tree, then take them down and toss them in the God's Eye/Lanyard/Fingerpainting closet. Meanwhile, those of us without kids use that closet space to store excellent scotch and racy DVDs. D+
Spy Car Accessories
Caltrops
Spikes! For you! In your tires! Caltrops are probably a more effective tactic than less direct measures, but they have a much lower chance of making a crash, explosion, or long bouncy cliff fall happen, so they don't get as much use as you'd expect. The evil spy villain enforcers just pull over to the side of the road and call the Archenemy Automobile Association. Not at all satisfying. C-
Thanksgiving Symbols
Cornucopia
The cornucopia has never really appealed to me as a symbol, and I finally figured out why. It's always pouring out wheat and gourds and fruit and healthy shit like that. That sort of thing is only paradisical if you were born on a hippie commune and never left. Those of us who know and treasure the feel of asphalt and the smell of plastic expect a bounty of cheese snacks in interesting shapes and deep-fried appetizers. Or at least some marshmallow bits. C
Fortune Telling Methods
Crystallography
This is your classic crystal-ball-into-looking. My copy of The Little Giant Encyclopedia of Fortune Telling lays down a bunch of rules for crystal ball care: "Only you should handle your crystal ball." "Do not allow direct sunlight to fall on the crystal ball." "Wash the crystal ball using vinegar and water." Is it just me or are these just transcribed instructions for vaginal hygiene circa 1953?D+
Cromniomancy
So you come up with a question, then write possible answers to that question ("Eric," "Tom," "Kill Them All") on individual onions. The first to sprout is the correct answer. It's like a biological cootie catcher. The problem here is the time investment. The very fact that you're trying to tell the future implies a certain degree of impatience, doesn't it? If you're going to have to wait for your answer you may as well be using chronomancy, the art of telling the future by waiting to see what happens.D
Collectables
Plates
I like the idea of collectible plates, but then I like the idea of eating chard off the faces of angels. The problems with collectible plates are twofold. First, they're all rendered in this neo-classical idealized form, the sort of thing you'd see if Michaelangelo had been into dinnerware and Star Trek. Secondly, they never depict anything I like. Where are my Samurai Jack and Alton Brown collectible plates? Thirdly, they send off ultrasonic signals to cats saying "break meeeee...I turn into field mice when fraaaactured..." C
D&D Monsters
Roper
Okay, let's consider the inevitable Three's Company joke as having been made and get on with it, shall we? Great. This creature has the ability to capture adventurers with sticky tentacles, drawing them to its toothy maw and mistaking them for homosexuals so they can share an apartment with Chrissy and Janet. Whoops! Sorry about that. At least it's over with. The roper can disguise itself as a stalagmite or stone mound so as to avoid having sex with its extremely randy middle-aged wife. Damn! Sorry. Okay, seriously. This creature was replaced by Don Knotts in season three and oh screw it. C
Gelatinous Cube
Gygax clearly had some sort of ooze fixation. He populated his little world with a goobery panapoly of spores, molds, and fungi, at least one variety of which has psychic powers. Huh. At any rate, closely edging out green slime for "Best Performance by a Nickelodeon Game Show Prop" is the gelatinous cube, a transparent, hallway-shaped, flesh-dissolving, uh. Cube. The sheer ridiculousness of it is impressive. Here we have yet another monster with no reason to exist in a dungeon-free ecosystem. It's genetically adapted to graph paper, for God's sake! Plus it conveniently fails to either digest or excrete metal, giving an adventurers a reason to kill it and scoop coins from its corpse. It's like some sort of living, deadly, mall fountain. A
Trapper
Like the aforementioned cube, this is yet another monster perfectly adapted to life in a dungeon. The whole deal is that it looks like a floor, but eats you like a monster. It's like the world's most boring Transformer. The odd evolution of D&D monsters leads me to conclude that one of the following must be true: dungeons have existed for at least fifty million years or there's some sort of hyperspeed Lamarckian evolution going on or evil wizards routinely make new monsters to relax and impress waitresses or hey, are those nachos? Can I have some? D+
Mimic
One reason that D&D is better than video games based on D&D is that in the tabletop version mimics sometimes disguise themselves as something other than chests. Computer roleplaying games often have mimics--imitation mimics, if you can wrap your head around that--which are always disguised as chests. Chest chest chest. It makes you wish that digital orcs would stick their electrum pieces in a foot locker or some variety of credenza, just to break the ennui of another piratey-looking wooden chest suddenly sprouting limbs and beating you to within an inch of your save file. It would be refreshing like the breezes of summer to be able to say "Hey! I just had my clavicle shattered by an aluminum tool shed!" B-
Elements
Radon
I admit to a soft spot in my heart for the noble gases. It takes a lot of character to be able to avoid the temptation to give up an electron or two to oxygen or similarly alluring elements. It's all I can do to not buy a fruit pie every time I stop for gas. Radon is interesting because it's both noble and deadly, like Vlad the Impaler. And, unlike the other noble gases, Radon has its own month: January is National Radon Action Month! BIFF! POW! DECAY INTO POLONIUM-218! A-
Titanium
I'm not clear on the metallurgic properties of titanium. I'm not sure why they make golf clubs and bicycle frames out of it, but I believe in titanium, because it has a kick-ass name. It sound like the perfect metal for the giant rocket-shooting robots, galaxy-spanning spaceships, and technologically advanced pleasure toys of the future. In fact, if titanium doesn't work out for these purposes, I propose we take the name "titanium" for whatever substance is used in those things and rename titanium "golfclubium" or something. B+
Christmas Tree Decorations
Colorful Ball
Most people would probably see the delicacy of the Generic Colorful Ornament Ball as a drawback, but for me it has become a source of nostalgia. For whatever reason, I remember childhood Christmases mostly for their clutter: tinsel strips, opened envelopes, empty cans of stewed pumpkin, and tiny shards of shattered Generic Colorful Ornament. Plus, they allow any jerk with a copy of Microsoft Paint to make a Christmas tree drawing. Green triangle, yellow star, buncha multicolored circles. Or just red circles, if you're really lazy. A-
Construction Paper Rings
These, I'm certain, are only popular because they contribute to the self-esteem of kindergarteners. You don't see construction paper ring garlands for sale anywhere. They either come from school or some grotty rainy-day crafts book. So you throw them on the tree, then take them down and toss them in the God's Eye/Lanyard/Fingerpainting closet. Meanwhile, those of us without kids use that closet space to store excellent scotch and racy DVDs. D+
Spy Car Accessories
Caltrops
Spikes! For you! In your tires! Caltrops are probably a more effective tactic than less direct measures, but they have a much lower chance of making a crash, explosion, or long bouncy cliff fall happen, so they don't get as much use as you'd expect. The evil spy villain enforcers just pull over to the side of the road and call the Archenemy Automobile Association. Not at all satisfying. C-
Thanksgiving Symbols
Cornucopia
The cornucopia has never really appealed to me as a symbol, and I finally figured out why. It's always pouring out wheat and gourds and fruit and healthy shit like that. That sort of thing is only paradisical if you were born on a hippie commune and never left. Those of us who know and treasure the feel of asphalt and the smell of plastic expect a bounty of cheese snacks in interesting shapes and deep-fried appetizers. Or at least some marshmallow bits. C
Fortune Telling Methods
Crystallography
This is your classic crystal-ball-into-looking. My copy of The Little Giant Encyclopedia of Fortune Telling lays down a bunch of rules for crystal ball care: "Only you should handle your crystal ball." "Do not allow direct sunlight to fall on the crystal ball." "Wash the crystal ball using vinegar and water." Is it just me or are these just transcribed instructions for vaginal hygiene circa 1953?D+
Cromniomancy
So you come up with a question, then write possible answers to that question ("Eric," "Tom," "Kill Them All") on individual onions. The first to sprout is the correct answer. It's like a biological cootie catcher. The problem here is the time investment. The very fact that you're trying to tell the future implies a certain degree of impatience, doesn't it? If you're going to have to wait for your answer you may as well be using chronomancy, the art of telling the future by waiting to see what happens.D
Collectables
Plates
I like the idea of collectible plates, but then I like the idea of eating chard off the faces of angels. The problems with collectible plates are twofold. First, they're all rendered in this neo-classical idealized form, the sort of thing you'd see if Michaelangelo had been into dinnerware and Star Trek. Secondly, they never depict anything I like. Where are my Samurai Jack and Alton Brown collectible plates? Thirdly, they send off ultrasonic signals to cats saying "break meeeee...I turn into field mice when fraaaactured..." C
D&D Monsters
Roper
Okay, let's consider the inevitable Three's Company joke as having been made and get on with it, shall we? Great. This creature has the ability to capture adventurers with sticky tentacles, drawing them to its toothy maw and mistaking them for homosexuals so they can share an apartment with Chrissy and Janet. Whoops! Sorry about that. At least it's over with. The roper can disguise itself as a stalagmite or stone mound so as to avoid having sex with its extremely randy middle-aged wife. Damn! Sorry. Okay, seriously. This creature was replaced by Don Knotts in season three and oh screw it. C
Gelatinous Cube
Gygax clearly had some sort of ooze fixation. He populated his little world with a goobery panapoly of spores, molds, and fungi, at least one variety of which has psychic powers. Huh. At any rate, closely edging out green slime for "Best Performance by a Nickelodeon Game Show Prop" is the gelatinous cube, a transparent, hallway-shaped, flesh-dissolving, uh. Cube. The sheer ridiculousness of it is impressive. Here we have yet another monster with no reason to exist in a dungeon-free ecosystem. It's genetically adapted to graph paper, for God's sake! Plus it conveniently fails to either digest or excrete metal, giving an adventurers a reason to kill it and scoop coins from its corpse. It's like some sort of living, deadly, mall fountain. A
Trapper
Like the aforementioned cube, this is yet another monster perfectly adapted to life in a dungeon. The whole deal is that it looks like a floor, but eats you like a monster. It's like the world's most boring Transformer. The odd evolution of D&D monsters leads me to conclude that one of the following must be true: dungeons have existed for at least fifty million years or there's some sort of hyperspeed Lamarckian evolution going on or evil wizards routinely make new monsters to relax and impress waitresses or hey, are those nachos? Can I have some? D+
Mimic
One reason that D&D is better than video games based on D&D is that in the tabletop version mimics sometimes disguise themselves as something other than chests. Computer roleplaying games often have mimics--imitation mimics, if you can wrap your head around that--which are always disguised as chests. Chest chest chest. It makes you wish that digital orcs would stick their electrum pieces in a foot locker or some variety of credenza, just to break the ennui of another piratey-looking wooden chest suddenly sprouting limbs and beating you to within an inch of your save file. It would be refreshing like the breezes of summer to be able to say "Hey! I just had my clavicle shattered by an aluminum tool shed!" B-
