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I lived in San Antonio a long time ago, like when I was 7 or so. Those years were the first I remember really exploring my love of nature- we lived near some undeveloped land and I went exploring every day. I also remember learning everything I could about astronomy, and sharks, and snakes, and getting a telescope and a microscope for various holidays. It was the beginning of my life as a pagan.
I had a chance to go back, and it was fun. I've thought about going back to the place where I used to explore, but I've heard it's all been paved over, and that would be too depressing. But my former best friend and High Priestess Natalie had to go down to San Antonio where her mother lives- mother's getting surgery and Nat agreed to help her recover.
When I joined my former grove, Nat and I hit it off immediately. We had that kind of friendship where we could talk for hours about anything, or be silent together, and we always seemed to have total acceptance of each other no matter what. I felt like she was a soul mate, in a non-sexual kind of way. We did wonderful magic together, and inspired each other in our artistic endeavors, plus nursed each other through various life traumas. She would call me when she had a horrible nightmare and I would talk with her until she felt calm. When my ex told me he'd been cheating, I called her at 1 in the morning and cried for hours while she comforted me. I figured we'd be friends forever.
When she had children, our paths diverged. I was not adamantly childfree before, but watching what she went through, and feeling no connection or desires in that direction at all brought my previously unexplored lack of traditionally maternal feelings into the glaring spotlight. It was very hard on our friendship, because we had been so close, she leaped into motherhood so completely and I couldn't share that with her, even vicariously. Babies and kids made me feel vaguely alarmed and uncomfortable, and usually I just wanted to back away slowly and watch them from a distance. She was completely wrapped up in being a mother, and I couldn't relate to it at all. I think it hurt and puzzled her that I wasn't as thrilled about this as she had hoped, and I was jealous that the time we could spend together in quiet conversation dwindled to practically nothing. Why couldn't things be like they had been?
There was anger and hurt there, but we still kept in touch and every so often, I would come by and we'd spend an afternoon chatting. I always had that same old warm, loved feeling when I was around her, and knew that we still were friends (as opposed to that old 'ah, nice to see you! How've you been?' that you get with people you've totally fallen out of touch with and have no connections with anymore). When![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
onyxlynxx said that she was taking Nat down to SA sans kids, I asked if I could go along. She agreed, so Wednesday we went.
It was really good to see her. There's nothing quite like meeting with a friend and their face lights up when they see you- it's wonderful. We caught up on the way down, and it was a little awkward at times. She identifies very much with being a mom, and in my typical low self esteem I had to struggle not to believe she was trying to cast aspersions on my life choices. She andonyxlynxx have been much closer, and I was aware that I had quite a lot more catching up to do and that there would be topics we still couldn't talk about in much depth. I don't dislike her kids, they're cute I guess, I just don't have the love for the subject that she and onyxlynxx (a teacher) do. But she seems to be more comfortable with that. Perhaps she saw my decision to be childfree as casting aspersions on her life choices too. She seemed to make a specific point to tell me that her youngest was going to be going to school in the fall, and that she would have at least one day off a week to herself. Many times during the visit she hugged me and told me how much she missed me, and how much she enjoyed seeing me again, and that she wanted to spend more time with me. It felt really nice, and I hope that we can maybe learn to be friends again in practice.
After a nice lunch with her and her mother, and seeing her mother's incredible back yard (that woman has quite a green thumb!),onyxlynxx and I decided to check out some pagany stores. It was fun to explore my old town, but in a totally new (and air conditioned) way. onyxlynxx and I used a absurdly large map I had purchased the night before to navigate around to the different shops. We hit the Unlimited Thought bookstore, which happened to be right around the corner from where we had lunch. It was well-stocked, but the stuff was pricey and the vibe was a little off somehow. I lusted after a Huichol beaded bowl with a scorpion design, but managed to be good. It's an odd enough item that I think when we are flush again, it might still be there. Then we went to Crystal Forest, and onyxlynxx and the owner got to talking rocks. There were some lovely stained glass dinguses, including a really cool grackle (everyone insisted it was a raven but it was a grackle, dammit!) that had moving wings. I continued to be good, though. On the way out of town we went to Dancing Moon, a smaller shop packed with people. I almost got some labradorite earrings, but resisted the temptation. I did get a little rainbow/chakra glass dingus for under $7; rainbows just always get my attention and make me happy. onyxlynxx also (in the continuing theme which was 'blast from the past') found a helix mobile at Crystal Forest like one she'd had many years ago, and grabbed it up 'for her classroom.' :) By then it was getting on towards rush hour, so we headed back to Austin.
I had a chance to go back, and it was fun. I've thought about going back to the place where I used to explore, but I've heard it's all been paved over, and that would be too depressing. But my former best friend and High Priestess Natalie had to go down to San Antonio where her mother lives- mother's getting surgery and Nat agreed to help her recover.
When I joined my former grove, Nat and I hit it off immediately. We had that kind of friendship where we could talk for hours about anything, or be silent together, and we always seemed to have total acceptance of each other no matter what. I felt like she was a soul mate, in a non-sexual kind of way. We did wonderful magic together, and inspired each other in our artistic endeavors, plus nursed each other through various life traumas. She would call me when she had a horrible nightmare and I would talk with her until she felt calm. When my ex told me he'd been cheating, I called her at 1 in the morning and cried for hours while she comforted me. I figured we'd be friends forever.
When she had children, our paths diverged. I was not adamantly childfree before, but watching what she went through, and feeling no connection or desires in that direction at all brought my previously unexplored lack of traditionally maternal feelings into the glaring spotlight. It was very hard on our friendship, because we had been so close, she leaped into motherhood so completely and I couldn't share that with her, even vicariously. Babies and kids made me feel vaguely alarmed and uncomfortable, and usually I just wanted to back away slowly and watch them from a distance. She was completely wrapped up in being a mother, and I couldn't relate to it at all. I think it hurt and puzzled her that I wasn't as thrilled about this as she had hoped, and I was jealous that the time we could spend together in quiet conversation dwindled to practically nothing. Why couldn't things be like they had been?
There was anger and hurt there, but we still kept in touch and every so often, I would come by and we'd spend an afternoon chatting. I always had that same old warm, loved feeling when I was around her, and knew that we still were friends (as opposed to that old 'ah, nice to see you! How've you been?' that you get with people you've totally fallen out of touch with and have no connections with anymore). When
onyxlynxx said that she was taking Nat down to SA sans kids, I asked if I could go along. She agreed, so Wednesday we went. It was really good to see her. There's nothing quite like meeting with a friend and their face lights up when they see you- it's wonderful. We caught up on the way down, and it was a little awkward at times. She identifies very much with being a mom, and in my typical low self esteem I had to struggle not to believe she was trying to cast aspersions on my life choices. She and
onyxlynxx have been much closer, and I was aware that I had quite a lot more catching up to do and that there would be topics we still couldn't talk about in much depth. I don't dislike her kids, they're cute I guess, I just don't have the love for the subject that she and onyxlynxx (a teacher) do. But she seems to be more comfortable with that. Perhaps she saw my decision to be childfree as casting aspersions on her life choices too. She seemed to make a specific point to tell me that her youngest was going to be going to school in the fall, and that she would have at least one day off a week to herself. Many times during the visit she hugged me and told me how much she missed me, and how much she enjoyed seeing me again, and that she wanted to spend more time with me. It felt really nice, and I hope that we can maybe learn to be friends again in practice. After a nice lunch with her and her mother, and seeing her mother's incredible back yard (that woman has quite a green thumb!),
onyxlynxx and I decided to check out some pagany stores. It was fun to explore my old town, but in a totally new (and air conditioned) way. onyxlynxx and I used a absurdly large map I had purchased the night before to navigate around to the different shops. We hit the Unlimited Thought bookstore, which happened to be right around the corner from where we had lunch. It was well-stocked, but the stuff was pricey and the vibe was a little off somehow. I lusted after a Huichol beaded bowl with a scorpion design, but managed to be good. It's an odd enough item that I think when we are flush again, it might still be there. Then we went to Crystal Forest, and onyxlynxx and the owner got to talking rocks. There were some lovely stained glass dinguses, including a really cool grackle (everyone insisted it was a raven but it was a grackle, dammit!) that had moving wings. I continued to be good, though. On the way out of town we went to Dancing Moon, a smaller shop packed with people. I almost got some labradorite earrings, but resisted the temptation. I did get a little rainbow/chakra glass dingus for under $7; rainbows just always get my attention and make me happy. onyxlynxx also (in the continuing theme which was 'blast from the past') found a helix mobile at Crystal Forest like one she'd had many years ago, and grabbed it up 'for her classroom.' :) By then it was getting on towards rush hour, so we headed back to Austin.
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no subject
Date: Jun. 6th, 2003 05:32 am (UTC)From:it's great you got to renew an old friendship. Last night I was thinking about a good friend of mine that I've lost touch with that I need to drop a note and say hi to... :-)
no subject
Date: Jun. 6th, 2003 05:49 am (UTC)From:Do say hi to your friend- it's such a wonderful surprise, I've seen so many people who fondly recall old friends but stay out of touch for no better reason than habit.
no subject
Date: Jun. 6th, 2003 06:47 am (UTC)From:Re:
Date: Jun. 6th, 2003 06:53 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: Jun. 6th, 2003 07:18 am (UTC)From:devil's advocate
Date: Jun. 6th, 2003 09:09 am (UTC)From:yeah, moms will talk, but usually the bonding happens with the moms who are similar to each other.
trust me. I'm too weird for the other moms to relate to, so then they all group over in their corner, and I'm usually left standing alone waiting for my child/children :(
Re: devil's advocate
Date: Jun. 6th, 2003 11:42 am (UTC)From:Re: devil's advocate
Date: Jun. 6th, 2003 11:47 am (UTC)From:I don't sweat the non-bonding thing anyway, despite the whining ;D I just bring my textbooks and study while waiting for the kids
Re: devil's advocate
Date: Jun. 6th, 2003 12:22 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: Jun. 6th, 2003 09:13 am (UTC)From:it was nice that you two were able to get in touch again :)