![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Right, so since that cancer scare I had back in 2014, I've been getting mammograms fairly regularly. Last year, there was an irregularity in lefty that spurred a second mammogram then an ultrasound then a needle biopsy, with a titanium bit placed to facilitate finding it later. The biopsy turned up nothing; it was a blob of crap that people get that probably needed to get removed eventually, but nothing worrisome. I wasn't in any big rush to get it out when everyone started getting COVID, and didn't want to gum up the healthcare system, and didn't care to expose myself to COVID, all for something non-essential. Anyway, I made an appointment to see a surgeon to get it looked at today and since I had my tits out anyway she had a feel. She said the left one had the "best recovery she had ever seen" for the procedure and subsequent radiation treatment protocol I went through. Yay! On the right, she said "Uh oh." Said she felt a "big mass" and got out the ultrasound equipment. Checked it out, found a jagged-edged blob that she said was "probably bad news" and that I should "prepare myself for a diagnosis" that was going to suck. Checked in my armpit for anything in the lymph nodes, nothing. She offered to do a needle biopsy right then, and I said hell yeah. They prepped, and this was when I started crying; just tears leaking down into my hair as I laid back. They hosed everything down with iodine and *SNAP-SNAP-SNAP* took out three chunks and put in another titanium bit. She said results were going to be in Monday at the latest, but hopefully sooner. When she asked me if I had any questions, I said "How certain are you about this being cancer?" and she said "Pretty certain. I'm sorry."
The nurse spent a little time cleaning me off. It bled a lot; the doctor did a fantastic job of numbing me up because I had no idea. She said, "For what it's worth, you took that biopsy like a champ." So, that was nice to hear, I guess.
Stages I've been through:
1. I did not come here for this today.
2. I have to tell everyone. [this may seem weird but I want to get my support system ready for the shit to hit the fan as soon as possible.]
3. Oh fuck, not this again. [this was when I started crying.]
4. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
5. This is bullshit.
6. This is my fault because I'm fat.
7. I wonder if this is why I've [insert every notable physical symptom I've had in the past three months or so, including the knee pain].
8. I wonder if this will fuck up my trip to Yellowstone this fall.
9. I wonder if this will kill me.
10. I wonder if I will have to get radiation. I wonder if I will need to find people to drive me to get radiation like I did last time. I wonder if I will have to get chemotherapy this time.
11. I need to finish that letter to Dad.
12. I want to eat so many carbs tonight.
13. I AM LITERALLY TWO WEEKS FROM RETIREMENT
The nurse spent a little time cleaning me off. It bled a lot; the doctor did a fantastic job of numbing me up because I had no idea. She said, "For what it's worth, you took that biopsy like a champ." So, that was nice to hear, I guess.
Stages I've been through:
1. I did not come here for this today.
2. I have to tell everyone. [this may seem weird but I want to get my support system ready for the shit to hit the fan as soon as possible.]
3. Oh fuck, not this again. [this was when I started crying.]
4. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
5. This is bullshit.
6. This is my fault because I'm fat.
7. I wonder if this is why I've [insert every notable physical symptom I've had in the past three months or so, including the knee pain].
8. I wonder if this will fuck up my trip to Yellowstone this fall.
9. I wonder if this will kill me.
10. I wonder if I will have to get radiation. I wonder if I will need to find people to drive me to get radiation like I did last time. I wonder if I will have to get chemotherapy this time.
11. I need to finish that letter to Dad.
12. I want to eat so many carbs tonight.
13. I AM LITERALLY TWO WEEKS FROM RETIREMENT
