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So, Master Pancake did a live mock of the pilot for a show I somehow never knew existed called 9-1-1: Lone Star. JD and I watched it, and told friend Josh about it the next day.
Me: I have to describe this show though
Josh: please do
Me: so this was made recently
Rob Lowe is a fireman
his son is also a fireman
they live in NYC
so RL was firemanning when 9/11 happened
and he keeps a bit of melted slag on his desk
Josh: This already sounds like the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon where he's setting up a huge collision between a plane, a tanker truck, a dinosaur, and whatever other toys he has around.
Me: RL is tortured because many of his friends have died from 9/11 cancer, and in the episode he finds out that he has.... LUNG CANCER! (dramatic music!)
His son, who is gay (dramatic music!), has a history of drug addiction (dramatic music!), and ODs when the man he proposes to dumps him (dramatic music!)
we're like 10 minutes in at this point
Meanwhile, in Austin!
Josh: Okay, you can cancel the previous statement I made.
Me: A security guard puts a foil-wrapped burrito in a microwave, and sets an entire manure plant on fire, which explodes and kills the entire Austin FD except for one guy (dramatic music!)
Josh: okay now this is turning into my favorite movie ever
Me: Some Official Guys come to NY and ask RL to head the Austin FD, which he initially refuses because he loves NY so much
but when his son ODs, he decides he's gonna move to Austin with his son and they're going to whip the FD into shape and he'll live with his son in a gorgeous house with a view of the Hill Country that costs $4500/month to rent
Josh: (Checks off "The Refusal Of The Call To Action" from the Joseph Campbell monomyth checklist.)
Me: RL gets applications for firefighters "from all over the state"
He hires:
-a Muslim woman who has 6 citations for insubordination, because she is a loose cannon
-a black trans guy
-an illiterate Hispanic guy who can't pass the written FD test, but has a heart of gold
the one guy who WASN'T killed from the last batch of firefighter guys applies, but is a dick, barely keeps himself from ripping RL's head off in the interview, denies he has PTSD, but loses his shit when RL says he isn't ready to come back (dramatic music!)
Josh: This is already a lot.
Me: Meanwhile!
Josh: WHAT MEANWHILE THERE'S ALREADY TOO MUCH STUFF TO DO A MEANWHILE IF YOU WANNA DO A MEANWHILE YOU GOTTA GET ANOTHER MOVIE
Me: Liv Tyler is seen screaming outside of a house, accusing the occupant of murder.
Josh: WHYYYY
THIS IS TOO MUCH MOVIE
Me: she runs out into the street to the crowd of people who've gathered to watch her scream at a closed door, and a kid in the crowd is having an asthma attack! (dramatic music!)
Josh: WHAAAAAAA
Me: She scolds his dad, who says he can't afford to take the kid to a doctor because he is poor and Hispanic
She tells him to come to her vaguely-described clinic or business or something
The police show up, and they know her, because her screaming at this door is apparently a regular occurrence
Evidently her sister disappeared and she thinks someone in the house (or maybe the house) murdered her sister. (dramatic music!)
NEXT, the FD is called out to a spicy food emergency
Josh: NO EFFING WAY
JD: This is not a movie, it’s a show and this is the first episode
Me: a man eats a hot pepper and starts to die (dramatic music!)
Josh: NOPE
NOPE NOPE NOPERS NOPE
Me: RL and the multiculture pals show up, and start dick-swinging "clear the area, the FD is here!"
Josh: Was this one of those "written by an AI trained on disaster television" scripts?
Me: Then Liv Tyler shows up and swings her dick and tells RL &c. to back off, because unlike in NY, the FD has to back off in medical emergencies to her, as head of the PARAMEDIC DEPT (dramatic music!)
Josh: How... um... how...
how did any of the actors deliver their lines without falling over laughing?
Me: RL is skeptical, and she says "You didn't read the Travis County manual, did you?" and throws the spicy food victim on the table, cuts his lung open, and saves his life (dramatic music!)
Josh: wait no no no no
Me: next emergency! (dramatic music!)
Josh: no cutting on lungs
that's not a thing you do for spicy food
NO MOAR EMERGENCIES EVERYONE GO TO BED NAO
Me: a woman is in a car wreck, her car is upside down on the road and we find out that she is PREGNANT (dramatic music!)
RL directs everyone to do things, because the water on the road smells like gas, and jaws of life are invoked, and stuff happens
Josh: of course stuff happens
absolutely everything happens in this thing
nothing is not happening
Me: then the woman cries "but my baby!" Turns out, there was another child in the car (dramatic music!)
everyone looks for the baby, who is eventually found 30 feet up in a tree (dramatic music!)
Josh: YOU ARE MAKING THIS UP
THIS IS NOT A REAL THING THAT REAL HUMANS MADE FOR SERIOUS
Me: he was flung out of the car (still in his car seat) into the tree when the car rolled
I AM NOT KIDDING
Josh: I KNOW YOU ARE NOT KIDDING BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE THIS THING WAS ACTUALLY MADE
Me: Meanwhile!
Josh: NO MOAR MEANWHILE I MEAN IT
TOO MUCH MEANWHILE MOVIE
Me: Guy with PTSD is at home getting shitfaced and continuing to insist to his black wife (dramatic music!) that he doesn't have PTSD
she reminds him of his nightmares and stuff
he whines that it's not fair
Josh: that checks out
Me: she reminds him that she is black so he can shove it with this not fair bullshit
Josh: new favorite character
JD: Seriously this is a 48 minute pilot
Josh: it was gonna be toddler-in-a-tree but black wife is my new favorite character
Me: she coaxes him to take her out to the apparently one bar is Austin, which is possibly the actual Broken Spoke bar
Josh: WHY NOT
Me: so they can at least get fucked up in a bar instead of at home like losers
turns out, RL and Liv Tyler and their crews are there celebrating after the tree baby incident
Josh: this movie needs more Adderall. Or less Adderall. I don't know.
Me: Liv dares RL to join her in line dancing, which RL is REALLY GOOD AT (dramatic music!)
Josh: YAY RL
YOU MIGHT HAVE PICKED A BAD MOVIE BUT YOU'RE STILL AN OKAY DUDE
Me: RL explains that country was really popular in NY a few years back
Josh: It was. Sigh. He's not kidding.
Me: RL also has a touching moment with his gay drug son, who thanks him for making him move to Austin, then gay drug son starts line dancing with, I think, illiterate Hispanic guy with the heart of gold?
Josh: BINGO
That's a BINGO on the card I just invented for this pilot.
Me: black wife confronts RL in the parking lot and tells him to SAVE HER HUSBAND because he SAVES PEOPLE
RL agrees to let clearly mentally unstable PTSD guy come back to work
THE NEXT DAY
Josh: IF THIS THING MEANWHILES AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Me: PTSD guy comes to the station, and notices all the dead flowers people had left for the dead fireguys at the station in the garbage
so he immediately starts giving RL shit about being a city slicker who is a Big Damn Hero because of 9/11 who's coming down from on high to help the FD that was fucked up by exploding poo
RL says "I have cancer"
(dramatic music!)
Josh: YES
Me: and PTSD guy is all, okay, but you're still on my shit list for throwing away the dead flowers
then he turns the corner, and over the bay where the trucks come out of the station is a thing with the pictures of all the dead poo firemen and a sign that says "WE REMEMBER" or some shit
(dramatic music!)
PTSD falls down and starts crying
Josh: YAAAAAY
Me: RL tells him it's going to be okay and PTSD is a bummer and stuff
then a little white girl and her white mom show up to give cookies that they made to the new crew, turns out they are the daughter and wife of one of the dead firemen
Josh: this show just fires pathos at you like a six-year-old with a t-shirt cannon
Me: cue montage of Muslim woman praying, trans guy considering his skin care regimen (I forgot about the part where RL helps trans guy with his skin care regimen), illiterate Hispanic guy is cleaning the firetrucks or something, and roll credits
Josh: THREE MORE PATHOS PLEASE
FOONT
FOONT
FOONT
Me: I wanted to lay it all out before I forgot, and marvel at the trope-fest
Josh: How many people wrote this movie? And how much speed did they have in the writers' room?
Me: all of it
oh man, check these out; the first episode was a harbinger of trope saturation to come: (Wikipedia episode synopses)
"The team responds to a man suffocating in corn within a grain silo"
"The team is called to a brawl at a male strip club; Paul helps Josie, who got hit in the eye with stripper glitter."
Josh: I like how they have to clear out a rattlesnake infestation with a fire extinguisher.
Me: "At a sirloin eating contest a woman collapses"
Josh: "Owen gets good news about his cancer while learning that his experimental immunotherapy drug was tested on dogs, some who were abandoned. He adopts Buttercup, a Bernese Mountain Dog who has the same kind of lung cancer, as the 126's new semi-destructive mascot."
Me: "On another call at a cow breeding facility, a disgruntled customer sets a fire to distract from his theft of bull semen."
Josh: "On another call, a handyman's epileptic seizure is mistaken for electrocution."
THIS PAGE IS THE GODDAMN BEST
JD: And don’t forget this is all very clearly filmed in Southern California that is standing in for Austin
Me: yeah, the trees were all wrong
Me: "On another call Grace helps an older man with a flu who ingested a cloud of cremains while disposing of a friend's ashes."
"The team responds to a used car lot event where a bull got caught in the side of a vehicle and needs the hydraulic jaws-of-life"
"a man hit in the head reveals to the paramedics he has CPPD (calcium pyrophosphate dihydrate crystal deposition disease), a condition characterized as extra painful arthritis. En route to the hospital he goes into cardiac arrest needing defibrillation; the treatment reacts with the man's ingested medication causing a toxic vapor which causes the ambulance crew to pass out, and the vehicle to flip."
Josh: THIS IS AUSTIN WHY ARE THERE BULLS EVERYWHERE
Me: "The team at 126 deal with a call at a gender reveal party when a man is burned by a grill."
TEXAS TEXAS TEXAS
JD: Austin is a small town where people ride horses to work
Josh: I'm not gonna lie, living in this fucked version of Austin would be awesome.
Me: Jesus. Just read the whole last episode.
"Chaos ensues in Austin when a solar storm causes the electricity and power equipment to malfunction. Them 126 team has to rescue the passengers of a light aircraft caught in the lines of high voltage electric towers while transporting a sick man for a liver transplant. During an outing with Carlos, TK questions his relationship with him after Carlos begins asking. When the malfunctioning traffic lights cause several accidents, they rush to help people before the 126 arrives. In the homeless camp, Michelle discovers that her lost sister is alive and living there. Michelle and her mother try to get her back home but she chooses to stay at the camp, despite her schizophrenia. With the lines scrambled, Grace gets a call from the damaged ISS, and manages to connect its last astronaut, dying from radiation poisoning, with his family to say goodbye. Back at the park, TK confesses his addiction to the rest of the team and that he's realized he wants to be a firefighter after all. Later, he also reconciles with Carlos."
Me: I have to describe this show though
Josh: please do
Me: so this was made recently
Rob Lowe is a fireman
his son is also a fireman
they live in NYC
so RL was firemanning when 9/11 happened
and he keeps a bit of melted slag on his desk
Josh: This already sounds like the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon where he's setting up a huge collision between a plane, a tanker truck, a dinosaur, and whatever other toys he has around.
Me: RL is tortured because many of his friends have died from 9/11 cancer, and in the episode he finds out that he has.... LUNG CANCER! (dramatic music!)
His son, who is gay (dramatic music!), has a history of drug addiction (dramatic music!), and ODs when the man he proposes to dumps him (dramatic music!)
we're like 10 minutes in at this point
Meanwhile, in Austin!
Josh: Okay, you can cancel the previous statement I made.
Me: A security guard puts a foil-wrapped burrito in a microwave, and sets an entire manure plant on fire, which explodes and kills the entire Austin FD except for one guy (dramatic music!)
Josh: okay now this is turning into my favorite movie ever
Me: Some Official Guys come to NY and ask RL to head the Austin FD, which he initially refuses because he loves NY so much
but when his son ODs, he decides he's gonna move to Austin with his son and they're going to whip the FD into shape and he'll live with his son in a gorgeous house with a view of the Hill Country that costs $4500/month to rent
Josh: (Checks off "The Refusal Of The Call To Action" from the Joseph Campbell monomyth checklist.)
Me: RL gets applications for firefighters "from all over the state"
He hires:
-a Muslim woman who has 6 citations for insubordination, because she is a loose cannon
-a black trans guy
-an illiterate Hispanic guy who can't pass the written FD test, but has a heart of gold
the one guy who WASN'T killed from the last batch of firefighter guys applies, but is a dick, barely keeps himself from ripping RL's head off in the interview, denies he has PTSD, but loses his shit when RL says he isn't ready to come back (dramatic music!)
Josh: This is already a lot.
Me: Meanwhile!
Josh: WHAT MEANWHILE THERE'S ALREADY TOO MUCH STUFF TO DO A MEANWHILE IF YOU WANNA DO A MEANWHILE YOU GOTTA GET ANOTHER MOVIE
Me: Liv Tyler is seen screaming outside of a house, accusing the occupant of murder.
Josh: WHYYYY
THIS IS TOO MUCH MOVIE
Me: she runs out into the street to the crowd of people who've gathered to watch her scream at a closed door, and a kid in the crowd is having an asthma attack! (dramatic music!)
Josh: WHAAAAAAA
Me: She scolds his dad, who says he can't afford to take the kid to a doctor because he is poor and Hispanic
She tells him to come to her vaguely-described clinic or business or something
The police show up, and they know her, because her screaming at this door is apparently a regular occurrence
Evidently her sister disappeared and she thinks someone in the house (or maybe the house) murdered her sister. (dramatic music!)
NEXT, the FD is called out to a spicy food emergency
Josh: NO EFFING WAY
JD: This is not a movie, it’s a show and this is the first episode
Me: a man eats a hot pepper and starts to die (dramatic music!)
Josh: NOPE
NOPE NOPE NOPERS NOPE
Me: RL and the multiculture pals show up, and start dick-swinging "clear the area, the FD is here!"
Josh: Was this one of those "written by an AI trained on disaster television" scripts?
Me: Then Liv Tyler shows up and swings her dick and tells RL &c. to back off, because unlike in NY, the FD has to back off in medical emergencies to her, as head of the PARAMEDIC DEPT (dramatic music!)
Josh: How... um... how...
how did any of the actors deliver their lines without falling over laughing?
Me: RL is skeptical, and she says "You didn't read the Travis County manual, did you?" and throws the spicy food victim on the table, cuts his lung open, and saves his life (dramatic music!)
Josh: wait no no no no
Me: next emergency! (dramatic music!)
Josh: no cutting on lungs
that's not a thing you do for spicy food
NO MOAR EMERGENCIES EVERYONE GO TO BED NAO
Me: a woman is in a car wreck, her car is upside down on the road and we find out that she is PREGNANT (dramatic music!)
RL directs everyone to do things, because the water on the road smells like gas, and jaws of life are invoked, and stuff happens
Josh: of course stuff happens
absolutely everything happens in this thing
nothing is not happening
Me: then the woman cries "but my baby!" Turns out, there was another child in the car (dramatic music!)
everyone looks for the baby, who is eventually found 30 feet up in a tree (dramatic music!)
Josh: YOU ARE MAKING THIS UP
THIS IS NOT A REAL THING THAT REAL HUMANS MADE FOR SERIOUS
Me: he was flung out of the car (still in his car seat) into the tree when the car rolled
I AM NOT KIDDING
Josh: I KNOW YOU ARE NOT KIDDING BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE THIS THING WAS ACTUALLY MADE
Me: Meanwhile!
Josh: NO MOAR MEANWHILE I MEAN IT
TOO MUCH MEANWHILE MOVIE
Me: Guy with PTSD is at home getting shitfaced and continuing to insist to his black wife (dramatic music!) that he doesn't have PTSD
she reminds him of his nightmares and stuff
he whines that it's not fair
Josh: that checks out
Me: she reminds him that she is black so he can shove it with this not fair bullshit
Josh: new favorite character
JD: Seriously this is a 48 minute pilot
Josh: it was gonna be toddler-in-a-tree but black wife is my new favorite character
Me: she coaxes him to take her out to the apparently one bar is Austin, which is possibly the actual Broken Spoke bar
Josh: WHY NOT
Me: so they can at least get fucked up in a bar instead of at home like losers
turns out, RL and Liv Tyler and their crews are there celebrating after the tree baby incident
Josh: this movie needs more Adderall. Or less Adderall. I don't know.
Me: Liv dares RL to join her in line dancing, which RL is REALLY GOOD AT (dramatic music!)
Josh: YAY RL
YOU MIGHT HAVE PICKED A BAD MOVIE BUT YOU'RE STILL AN OKAY DUDE
Me: RL explains that country was really popular in NY a few years back
Josh: It was. Sigh. He's not kidding.
Me: RL also has a touching moment with his gay drug son, who thanks him for making him move to Austin, then gay drug son starts line dancing with, I think, illiterate Hispanic guy with the heart of gold?
Josh: BINGO
That's a BINGO on the card I just invented for this pilot.
Me: black wife confronts RL in the parking lot and tells him to SAVE HER HUSBAND because he SAVES PEOPLE
RL agrees to let clearly mentally unstable PTSD guy come back to work
THE NEXT DAY
Josh: IF THIS THING MEANWHILES AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Me: PTSD guy comes to the station, and notices all the dead flowers people had left for the dead fireguys at the station in the garbage
so he immediately starts giving RL shit about being a city slicker who is a Big Damn Hero because of 9/11 who's coming down from on high to help the FD that was fucked up by exploding poo
RL says "I have cancer"
(dramatic music!)
Josh: YES
Me: and PTSD guy is all, okay, but you're still on my shit list for throwing away the dead flowers
then he turns the corner, and over the bay where the trucks come out of the station is a thing with the pictures of all the dead poo firemen and a sign that says "WE REMEMBER" or some shit
(dramatic music!)
PTSD falls down and starts crying
Josh: YAAAAAY
Me: RL tells him it's going to be okay and PTSD is a bummer and stuff
then a little white girl and her white mom show up to give cookies that they made to the new crew, turns out they are the daughter and wife of one of the dead firemen
Josh: this show just fires pathos at you like a six-year-old with a t-shirt cannon
Me: cue montage of Muslim woman praying, trans guy considering his skin care regimen (I forgot about the part where RL helps trans guy with his skin care regimen), illiterate Hispanic guy is cleaning the firetrucks or something, and roll credits
Josh: THREE MORE PATHOS PLEASE
FOONT
FOONT
FOONT
Me: I wanted to lay it all out before I forgot, and marvel at the trope-fest
Josh: How many people wrote this movie? And how much speed did they have in the writers' room?
Me: all of it
oh man, check these out; the first episode was a harbinger of trope saturation to come: (Wikipedia episode synopses)
"The team responds to a man suffocating in corn within a grain silo"
"The team is called to a brawl at a male strip club; Paul helps Josie, who got hit in the eye with stripper glitter."
Josh: I like how they have to clear out a rattlesnake infestation with a fire extinguisher.
Me: "At a sirloin eating contest a woman collapses"
Josh: "Owen gets good news about his cancer while learning that his experimental immunotherapy drug was tested on dogs, some who were abandoned. He adopts Buttercup, a Bernese Mountain Dog who has the same kind of lung cancer, as the 126's new semi-destructive mascot."
Me: "On another call at a cow breeding facility, a disgruntled customer sets a fire to distract from his theft of bull semen."
Josh: "On another call, a handyman's epileptic seizure is mistaken for electrocution."
THIS PAGE IS THE GODDAMN BEST
JD: And don’t forget this is all very clearly filmed in Southern California that is standing in for Austin
Me: yeah, the trees were all wrong
Me: "On another call Grace helps an older man with a flu who ingested a cloud of cremains while disposing of a friend's ashes."
"The team responds to a used car lot event where a bull got caught in the side of a vehicle and needs the hydraulic jaws-of-life"
"a man hit in the head reveals to the paramedics he has CPPD (calcium pyrophosphate dihydrate crystal deposition disease), a condition characterized as extra painful arthritis. En route to the hospital he goes into cardiac arrest needing defibrillation; the treatment reacts with the man's ingested medication causing a toxic vapor which causes the ambulance crew to pass out, and the vehicle to flip."
Josh: THIS IS AUSTIN WHY ARE THERE BULLS EVERYWHERE
Me: "The team at 126 deal with a call at a gender reveal party when a man is burned by a grill."
TEXAS TEXAS TEXAS
JD: Austin is a small town where people ride horses to work
Josh: I'm not gonna lie, living in this fucked version of Austin would be awesome.
Me: Jesus. Just read the whole last episode.
"Chaos ensues in Austin when a solar storm causes the electricity and power equipment to malfunction. Them 126 team has to rescue the passengers of a light aircraft caught in the lines of high voltage electric towers while transporting a sick man for a liver transplant. During an outing with Carlos, TK questions his relationship with him after Carlos begins asking. When the malfunctioning traffic lights cause several accidents, they rush to help people before the 126 arrives. In the homeless camp, Michelle discovers that her lost sister is alive and living there. Michelle and her mother try to get her back home but she chooses to stay at the camp, despite her schizophrenia. With the lines scrambled, Grace gets a call from the damaged ISS, and manages to connect its last astronaut, dying from radiation poisoning, with his family to say goodbye. Back at the park, TK confesses his addiction to the rest of the team and that he's realized he wants to be a firefighter after all. Later, he also reconciles with Carlos."
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Date: May. 24th, 2020 03:32 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: May. 24th, 2020 03:33 pm (UTC)From:no subject
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