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random thoughts about compatibility
Aug. 26th, 2021 01:18 pmIt's not a controversial statement to say that we all want someone in our lives who accepts us for who we are, faults and all. But that's not 100% accurate; none of us are perfect, and okay I can be a harsh judge but I think everyone has room for improvement. If someone thought I was absolutely perfect then it would feel like I have no room to change, grow, improve. It's the season of Virgo, so we're all about the nit-picky ways in which we can be even more awesome, right? Putting aside the fact that I am harder on myself than I am on anyone else- well, I'm hard on everyone, honestly. If anyone wanted an honest assessment of areas in which I think they could improve I could give them that- and what I told them would not be a surprise to them. I'm judgy. But I'm also forgiving of imperfection- I think this is the growth away from the black and white thinking of youth that says something must be this or that; I can see your flaws but still love you for who you are. I can embrace your imperfections and also hope that you keep striving to improve yourself. I'm trying to do that for myself too- what is an endearing quirk in someone else is a damning flaw in myself. I'm working on it, okay? Like I said, imperfect.
So, obvious red flag- someone who doesn't lovingly embrace your flaws, who is cruelly critical, who tears you down, who doesn't accept you for who you are. Subtle red flag- someone who thinks you are perfect and never challenges you- if nothing else, that relationship would get stagnant and boring in pretty short order. Sneaky red flag- someone who sees you as having flaws where you see quirks. There are a million ways to be human- there is no one right way. While a baked-in trait may not be optimal for every situation, that doesn't make it a flaw. Being introverted is, despite what early psychologists thought, not a fault, it's a feature. It's incompatible with certain scenarios, but in my mind that's a situation where flexibility is a great boon- it's useful to be able to play the extravert in the situation that calls for it, which is hopefully temporary- e.g., a job interview, versus a job that requires you to be extraverted, such as, I dunno, a real estate salesperson.
In the last relationship I was in that failed, I felt like my partner had this narrow vision of what they wanted in a partner, and tried to cram every partner into that mold. He didn't appreciate my introversion, he saw it as an obstacle to overcome. My reluctance to change to conform to his vision he saw not as me asserting my individuality, but my stubborn refusal to play nice. Speaking of stubborn, I've had some folks who see me as inflexible, and some who see me as having the courage of my convictions, a strong moral compass. It's good to be flexible about some things, but you also have to know when to stand your ground. Needless to say I get on better with the second type than I do with the first.
The short version is, find someone who agrees with the vision you have of yourself including the areas where you need improvement. If the parts they think you need to 'fix' are parts you love about yourself and are proud of, there be dragons and they will bite you in the ass.
So, obvious red flag- someone who doesn't lovingly embrace your flaws, who is cruelly critical, who tears you down, who doesn't accept you for who you are. Subtle red flag- someone who thinks you are perfect and never challenges you- if nothing else, that relationship would get stagnant and boring in pretty short order. Sneaky red flag- someone who sees you as having flaws where you see quirks. There are a million ways to be human- there is no one right way. While a baked-in trait may not be optimal for every situation, that doesn't make it a flaw. Being introverted is, despite what early psychologists thought, not a fault, it's a feature. It's incompatible with certain scenarios, but in my mind that's a situation where flexibility is a great boon- it's useful to be able to play the extravert in the situation that calls for it, which is hopefully temporary- e.g., a job interview, versus a job that requires you to be extraverted, such as, I dunno, a real estate salesperson.
In the last relationship I was in that failed, I felt like my partner had this narrow vision of what they wanted in a partner, and tried to cram every partner into that mold. He didn't appreciate my introversion, he saw it as an obstacle to overcome. My reluctance to change to conform to his vision he saw not as me asserting my individuality, but my stubborn refusal to play nice. Speaking of stubborn, I've had some folks who see me as inflexible, and some who see me as having the courage of my convictions, a strong moral compass. It's good to be flexible about some things, but you also have to know when to stand your ground. Needless to say I get on better with the second type than I do with the first.
The short version is, find someone who agrees with the vision you have of yourself including the areas where you need improvement. If the parts they think you need to 'fix' are parts you love about yourself and are proud of, there be dragons and they will bite you in the ass.
