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I'd love to buy this book for everyone in the world.
"Feelings aren't dangerous... though they can be used dangerously. One of the central messages in emotion dismissing meta-emotions [meta-emotions=how you feel about how you feel. We can't control what feelings arise, but we can control how we react to our feelings] is that feelings are inherently dangerous- toxic to yourself and the people around you. People may believe this if they grew up in a world where people used feelings to injure or manipulate others- and using your feelings to deliberately hurt others is against the rules. Most important: You're not allowed to use your feelings to injure or manipulate yourself! (Self-compassion!) [MIND BLOWN]
"Nor are you allowed to use them to injure or manipulate your partner or others- and other people, including your partner, aren't allowed to use them against you, either. [this reflects one of my guiding rules- getting your shit on other people is to be avoided whenever possible.]
"But feeling your Feels is safe. Being emotionally uncomfortable isn't inherently dangerous. It's not even scary- when you trust that allowing the discomfort to move through its cycle will always and inevitably end in feeling better.
"Witnessing your partner's Feels may feel uncomfortable for you; it may activate your desire to Make Your Partner Feel Better or Fix the Problem. That's normal, that's okay. Remember that the way to make someone feel better and fix the problem is to allow the person to move all the way through the tunnel, complete the cycle. This is not a stimulus-response kind of problem- like "IF Partner Is Crying, THEN Cheer Partner Up Instantly." No."
-Emily Nagoski, "Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life"
I hate everything in that title after the colon. There's a lot of talk about sex (and I've learned a lot more than I expected to), but an amazingly large portion of the book applies to all aspects of your emotional life. Seriously, buy it; if you can't afford it, I will buy it for you. For reals.
"Feelings aren't dangerous... though they can be used dangerously. One of the central messages in emotion dismissing meta-emotions [meta-emotions=how you feel about how you feel. We can't control what feelings arise, but we can control how we react to our feelings] is that feelings are inherently dangerous- toxic to yourself and the people around you. People may believe this if they grew up in a world where people used feelings to injure or manipulate others- and using your feelings to deliberately hurt others is against the rules. Most important: You're not allowed to use your feelings to injure or manipulate yourself! (Self-compassion!) [MIND BLOWN]
"Nor are you allowed to use them to injure or manipulate your partner or others- and other people, including your partner, aren't allowed to use them against you, either. [this reflects one of my guiding rules- getting your shit on other people is to be avoided whenever possible.]
"But feeling your Feels is safe. Being emotionally uncomfortable isn't inherently dangerous. It's not even scary- when you trust that allowing the discomfort to move through its cycle will always and inevitably end in feeling better.
"Witnessing your partner's Feels may feel uncomfortable for you; it may activate your desire to Make Your Partner Feel Better or Fix the Problem. That's normal, that's okay. Remember that the way to make someone feel better and fix the problem is to allow the person to move all the way through the tunnel, complete the cycle. This is not a stimulus-response kind of problem- like "IF Partner Is Crying, THEN Cheer Partner Up Instantly." No."
-Emily Nagoski, "Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life"
I hate everything in that title after the colon. There's a lot of talk about sex (and I've learned a lot more than I expected to), but an amazingly large portion of the book applies to all aspects of your emotional life. Seriously, buy it; if you can't afford it, I will buy it for you. For reals.
